Call me me over sensitive - actually don't, I'm rather sensitive - but as an adoptive parent there's a whole raft of terminology, thoughtless phrases and terms of reference which imply a second-bestness in the relationship I have with my children.
"Real mum and dad"
...referring of course to the birth parents.
"Where are you adopting from?"
...yes yes we all opt for the glamour of the international option - China, Russia, Africa. With all the extra air miles on offer why would anyone consider adopting from the UK? Madonna's my middle name.
"What's wrong with them?"
...usually phrased less blatantly but saying the same thing, always after some fascinating shreds of the grotesque from the past.
"Do you regret not having your own?"
...as though biological children would have been 'better'.
"Are you going to tell them they're adopted?"
...er, why would I not?
"Do they call you Dad?"
...of children fostered within hours of being born and adopted within their first year.
"Do you do father's day? - or do you feel that's more for their..."
...on this occasion I helpfully completed the colleague's query - he was obviously floundering a little, grasping for the right phrase. "Biological father?" I said. Although give him his due - at least he paused.
I find myself making allowances for people, excusing their apparent insensitivity. Why should they think so hard about their choice of words? I mean it's only in my world that those phrases cause offence. Isn't it? I can be grown-up about it. I can chose not to be offended.
But for my children, it's a different matter. Helping them to understand their roots, their differences, is challenge enough. But these occasional ill thought phrases and questioning serve to negate their heritage, their sense of stability and threaten to erode their sense of self.
Worse than that, the comments above come mainly from friends, colleagues and relatives - people who my children love and trust.